contraband sonata


undoing and being the mistress of my own undoing, a tie that un-binds, what does that mean? i sniffle myself awake, my room is filled with pollen from having left the trapdoor open in the night, where someone snuck in and unraveled something.

a glutton for contraband correspondence, i dispatch a small rebel-band of words, tiptoe, mousetrack, prayer-flags waving, something sweet and swollen with mischief, inching its way under the fence. pick-pocketed; a parley in the garden. exposition of our brewing coalescence.

how about i'll smuggle something and you smuggle something, and we'll trade.


jars and jars of stolen flowers, i keep coming across. sailing my little boat down the channel between our windows, the blocks that keep us wondering. so far i've only been collecting Devil's Paintbrush, alias: (ORIGIN  late Middle English : from Latin, ‘at another time, otherwise.’) Butterfly Weed, Chiggerflower, Fluxroot, Paintbrush, Posy, Orange Milkweed, Yellow Milkweed, Swallow-wort, Windroot--

so far also the memory of lilac. so far a chigger is a tiny mite who lives on or under the skin of a warm-blooded animal. so far always lilac for how it stirs up the middle of something, aching of innocence, abandon. how do you recall a smell?


scent-memory of flowers, a most important kind of memory. probably symbolic of dangling. re-collecting the scent of a someone, or a season you misplaced so many years back: leaf pile, bruised apple on the floor of the orchard. sharp way the sun smells in late october, a wooly elbow smell, a crisping between branches and their long shadows, looming taller as the sun dips down into four o'clock mountains. against twilight, the mountains turn purple. smell a cold starburst. last leaf smitten to its tree in a brilliance of crimson, preparing to fall.


i have a problem.


i'm pretty sure i was an animal in my most recent life. i'm not sure how to be in this one. big eyes filled with new blue moon or water, my blood swimming, ceaseless migration. my delicate drape of veins a netting, a webbing, a cradle. my clear heart hot, a bell jar for a lightening bolt.


here's the thing:
exposition |ekspə'zi sh ən|
noun
music. the part of a movement, especially in a sonata, in which the principal themes are first presented.

the title of my musical seems to be reasons for reaching or, trying not to get carried away, or i have a problem. here's the thing: when you look at me i see water, lapping at a dock, or a canoe, or a blueberry bush. been around forever. i'm trying not to see things i'm not supposed to. i'm trying not to imagine too far under, but the set smells familiar, can't help it. i hide a sneak of honeysuckle. i'm tiptoe, magpie. something under the skin. pirate on a life-boat, castaway extra. before i go, step into the light. tell me your name again, like we only just met.
stand up straight, and let me get a look at you.


 sonata |sə'nätə|
 noun
 a classical composition for an instrumental soloist.

 .
If your Nerve, deny you-
Go above your Nerve-

Emily Dickinson

.
"Hope and Memory have one daughter and her name is Art, and she has built her dwelling far from the desperate field where men hand out their garments upon forked boughs to be banners of battle. O beloved daughter of Hope and Memory, be with me for a little." 
  
~ William Butler Yeats
  from  The Celtic Twilight: Faerie and Folklore

.

"If someone should say, but I haven’t lived in an interesting way — I would simply put them on the operating table and begin to take rabbits out of them."   ~ Robert Frost

music for birds


:

the soft white buried sprout, the clock in which time sits like a prisoner, which time sits here like. you found a path, so followed it. for every moment, you are the moment doubled.

:

you were struck by a lightening of words, and wanted to say everything. being the architect of your own seraphic collapse, you risk tearing the pages when you turn them. i am growing from the ground up. sapling, whereabout, a few living blossoms. we understand each other.

:

when you are sleeping, you are able to stand outside logic. or you sit inside a different validity, at least, lay your head inside a book and recite its scenery like psalmody, your yawning forest a silhouette of becoming lost. landscape rotates on an internal axis, your sugared mountains pulsing an edge, lung-colored, illegible, shaped like the inside of a dark idea. when you open your mouth, what flies out?

:

only as long as we have no history, we look backward, pluck a bewildered wildflower and wait. in this way we document the moment, in this way we stand inside of it, pushing our breath at its edges that separate us from so many sleeping others. we escape hours, glint, shifting, sifted like salt through the gaps in our warm grasp of fingers.

:

you say home and point away, beyond the surface of the window. you try not to be a dangle of barnacles. you try not to be trapped in water. the gentle neck of your old map is bent, a fog gathers in the valley between mountains, and the mountains breathe in and out with the supposition of dreamers, clouding your feathered bed with the coming of morning.

:

haunting your heart whole, your voice rises in silence with roses and mud. this is how you challenge the shadow of the bridge, water-shaped, pennyweight. hybrid wild daffodils leap up from the ginger indents of your apricot feet, looking, seedling, the soft ground where you fashion a path. hollow and lucid, your eyes filled with spilling, cracked open like eggs. this is how you learn. this is how you are loving yourself loveless.

:

unscrolling history, you sift your dream for reasons. i carry photos of my absences, fashion them in a flower with bright lemon petals and a green tunnel for a stem. wave it at the sparkling skyline like a weapon. "how will you begin?" you asked, before now. my belly is a botanical garden, i said, a goldfish fountain for lost coins, glinting in some underwater nowhere. sometimes one wish at a time, and sometimes all of them at once.

:

your body is like making a pathway through the forest. you sing a ladder down and climb inside. time is heavy but we weigh the same in feathers. against the backdrop of sunrise, pine bough's needled silhouettes edged in light frost like powdered sugar, a dusting of pollen, how coral release their eggs into a warm current. you lust for warm mornings, long to leave the window open, stand on one foot at the threshold of summer, wearing your nightgown like thin milk, like an aura of all lost things soft and dried, rippling on the line of recollection.

:

you can't cut water, your insides blossoming, bolting, dropping seeds. your body shifts through seasons with the moon and the tides. if you drink enough rain, straight from the tap of the sky, will something flower? my belly is a dreaming city, you say, a wet architecture of gardens, i sleep near a sinkhole to somewhere else. in dream, i plant the seeds that fall. in autumn, i watch them go under where i wait all winter, clean and quiet, holding my breath.

:

words can't accomplish your wanderings. you put it in quotations. apples blush when you walk by, your mouth watering. both before you and behind you is listening to snow falling at night. you look away, hiding your smile, becoming a closet with two doors, two voices on a page. i wonder how different it is to learn something when you're only sugar and skin, lacking the words to learn it with.

:

prayer-flag for a new image, you come from the hills, you spout long vowels into the breath of the city, trim the tall wind like so many ghosts of dandelions, bluebirds, your mouth makes an empty shape of kissing. i go through your long words and find replacements in another language, bending my mouth to imagine. through with asking, we spit our small, old ghosts onto a lingering slipstream. watch them loop up in flutter like bright flowers gone to seed, dreaming the hollow of warmth between us.

:

you collect my voice in scraps like newspaper cuttings. brightly cut grasses a disarray of dialogue, our flimsy history riddled through with soft holes in speech where we pull apart like wet paper. my gray-haired words, each for all their limping, make it across the gully between us later, heaving bright-eyed like elephants to the other side of an hourglass. as breathless and dumb and beaming as stars.

:

you hold on to your idea of affection like an ancient rainy sidewalk book. hard covers closed, threadbare at the corners. you consult it later, flipping pages like copper coins in the warm cup of your palms, one so worn you can't tell a face from a building. eyes from architecture, you look out like you're looking out a window, raindrops smear me like a city that fills the distance between us, pulling the sky down with gravity, boundless, unapologetic.

:

you sing, you read, you listen, you look. you rearrange the pieces, little water-filled jars of stolen flowers, a heavy copper heart, a poem about birds, framed and faded. photo of a moveable city with all her drawbridges lifted like the trumpeting trunks of elephants. a miniature canon. a cut piece of garnet, violet in the dim desk-light. in the window, a glass bird, so blue when the sun shines through at dawn, as if you were afloat beneath a glacier, some oceanic dream, a return, a charm for lost days found, you make a connection by color and something lights up, you move on. you tie yourself to what becomes untied, listening for cracks. it's your way of being in the world.

:

motionless and unnamed, perched in your birdless aviary, a lofty idea freezes on a branch-tip, hangs there in an icy dangle. your feet grumble along the ice, long for friction to keep from a slip. you clutch a flush cloud high above the clothesline, trying to lift. your fists curled in tight, bright knotted petals like roses, knuckles stuck out make a mountain range, hard bounds of bone cold against a frosting of yellows and blues, our flesh-tinged peaches of morning.

:

rain pools and pushes you to abstraction, like evening does. all your specific boundaries blur, edges of unlike things rub together like stray cats, rub the city skyline new and sparkling. this is an analeptic drink for dreaming. a teaspoon filled to spilling with rainsounds when they hit the window, reflect everything falling at once. even our breath in and out, and the words that linger there and what they hold. permeable vessels with no tops or bottoms. i hold the teaspoon out the window, reach past a stormcloud to pull a star down, drop it into the spoon before i drink it to feel it spark on my tongue like a broken memory, then fizzle out.

:

by what lost reason you bend your steps, by what gnarled footpath through what forest, alive with listening. i'm here. in this moment, in this, one cupboard of your story, my body displaced by a medicinal dream. the walls of the forest make a drape around your singing limbs, conceal you from all else under a snap of twigs and dried leaves. stray feathers are a black flip indigo in a broken shaft of sun sinking. you make up so much when you're asleep, you want to say, your mouth with its edges like damp paper, soft and blank and folded, without the words to leap from, your lips having lost them for not looking.

:

your body is a living apothecary shop. in the city of lost steps, you stand on a corner squinting into my sun's pink plummet. a breeze dips in from the mountain, some dark fold swings open, and little jars fill you. half-empty with bright sprigs and tinctures, hidden elixirs, you weather a botanical dream tucked against the roots of your chest, despite your lack of light. when i ask you what you have for being lost, either impetus or antidote, you look at me with a last glint of your snowy somewhere falling through your eyes, like pearls slide off a string into a glass of water. you turn back toward the horizon, saying nothing, having dissolved your voice in my jar of words.

:

trickled ceremonial of daylight through cypress, knotted arms that reach away in one direction. on one budding branch, a solitary bird perches, to swallow the seeds of an imaginary flower. real petals pale, falling around your feet, you take a deep path over the old wooden footbridge, you move under a cloak of leaves, become a breath beneath the canopy, your departure sealed by a sediment of ghosts. this old bridge is the shape of your heart, this path the shape of my body, crossing it. this is our moon shot, starboard, impossible bottle, history of a myth system listing to port. this is where we linger, in a slippery drift, where you look and i look where we close my eyes looking, where the starfall glints silver, where we all become water, where water becomes a cloud becomes a dream, which the star-bellied bird, leaning high on the horizon, displaces.

.

thieves


it may be your nimble sense of smell that makes me a mountain, that troubles the electric space between us. where your eyes reach for the folds of my body, which is getting smaller as it gets colder, as the world turns its long face toward winter.

   “what does it mean,” i said, “thick as thieves? i mean, what would you think if i said that?” you were bent in half at our translucent door, clumsily, squinting through a keyhole into everything you ever wanted.
   “well, since you put it that way,” you mumbled, your face pressed up against the edge, the hard, clear boundary of the way in, or out, depending.

we were both quiet. me on one side, you on the other.

   “i’m hungry,” i said. i leaned against the door like a lampshade. my heart was growling like a lawnmower. you moved aside like a pile of leaves, so it could growl around them. we were mulch-making. my good idea burst like a bulb, some smoke wafting from its charred socket. you looked at me with a long, green lawn in your eyes.
   “it’s autumn,” you said. the leaves on the lawn said. your voice wanted to clink against my lips like a teaspoon at a glass. like we were making a toast. “it’s the end of something,” you said, “and the start of something else.” i wondered if your back would stay that way, bent. it wasn’t good. even though you’re so much taller, we were equally matched. we were standing on a level.
   “i can’t,” i said. i was afraid of the words in my mouth. “i don’t know what to want.” it wasn’t going down right. i tried to sip it but gulped instead. hard swallow. something swooped. another petal fell. my belly felt sick inside, like i’d eaten too many sweets, or was about to.

you shook your head, but fixed me with the eyes. i watched you straighten out, then start to tip the other way. wish-heavy, that small seed growing something strange and wild in the thickets of your ribs. you couldn’t keep your balance. you wanted to stretch yourself over the mountain for me like a peppermint taffy.

you were bending over backwards.

my inside clock fluttered, then puttered and stuttered and stopped. you wanted me to pull a secret chain, to unwind us like a soft ball of yarn. the sky flashed a rosy golden. i mean, my cheeks did. my sticky heart. i started back up.

   “what does it mean?” i said.
you tried to see past me. you couldn’t. thick as thieves; you didn’t know. you tried to see through me.
   “no,” you said, “i didn’t.”
   “WHAT DOES IT MEAN,” i hollered into the frozen hinge. it smelled like iron. too many irons. that cold metallic. nothing you’d want in your mouth. just in case your tongue got stuck. just in case your tongue got stuck.
    “i didn’t,” you said. “i’m sorry.” a piece of paper slipped under the crack. a draft. a cold draft wafted against my feet, then up my leg, then up my skirt. your hands must have been freezing.

i unfolded the paper, careful not to slice anything.

   “(As) Thick as thieves,” i read, “Informal. (Of two or more people): Very close or friendly; sharing secrets.” i groaned. i had a headache. i pressed my fingertips into my forehead like i was testing it for ripeness. all my soft places went belly-up, sighing. throwing me back, back, back to the beginning. a broken record. old love tunes, lullabies, church hymns. spells, curses. rebel anthems. war songs. all skipping together on a path to nowhere.
    “Old English thicce, of Germanic origin,” you said, your voice muffled with all its upset pressing, “related to Dutch dik and German dick.”
   “dick?” i said, “you can’t be serious.”
   “no,” you said, “i can’t be.”

the door groaned under the weight of us both leaning our foreheads on it from opposite sides. you were heads, and i was tails, i thought. you were so much taller, and i was always tails. everyone would tell you to get out. that it was all in your--where is that, exactly? we were like mountains poking up above the shift of the weather. you cut to a sudden silence, like books do when our eyes startle away from them. i looked out the window, saw a bruise-colored cloud chase a cloud-colored cloud like a cat chasing its tail, saw the whole sweeping world as the negative space around us. maybe you are heads, i thought, and i am clouds.

    “maybe you are,” you said. you sounded hollow, almost over it, your voice’s leaves crisping on the long, dark tree of your throat. this is where the root rots, i thought. this is why we can’t move without making sound. you nodded, sorry, soundless, and were gone.


 :

conservatory

a cordial for the heart, this little
bell of blood, swell of secret in
scarlet. split-cherry, spit-smeared.
pulled-petals of memory, my body
a tonic for unfurling  
flowers. red winter warning, that
bodily want, blood spills like berries
against the silent white
snow. collect me against this
cold, i want to grow, i want to be
gathered up in your hands and
harvested. it is now, as it
has been, cordially
yours
 .

.

"everything is something trembling on the brink of something else, thus to be clutched and cherished..."  ~Spring in Fialta, Vladimir Nabokov
.

hunger


sometimes it takes a week to rip off a band-aid. sometimes more, because you ripped it off so fast, because you were trying not to rip someone else off, and you ripped your self off in the process. now there’s this raw-red welt where fawn-brown skin was, sticky and bitter as a bruised apple. now you have a bellyache, but you never took a bite. here’s the scabbed-over bite / mark in your heart to prove it. see?
.

vanishing point


we finish our dreams, slippery, push each one into each other’s mouths like warm berries. there are only two stories, he says. a small, wet knot holds him together. someone new shows up, or someone goes on a journey. it’s the same thing, i think. our blueblood hearts, the horizon berry-colored. he squeezes it, and a dream drops out. there’s only one story, he says, and looks right at me, which is like looking away. someone loses something.
.

"One writes out of one thing only...

...one's own experience. Everything depends on how relentlessly one forces from this experience the last drop, sweet or bitter, it can possibly give. This is the only real concern of the artist, to recreate out of the disorder of life that order which is art."     -James Baldwin

...


18 when i saw him, my heart lurched, but he just walked right past us both.

...

...

7 finally, it’s raining. i come down with a faint case of vertigo. keep tilting to the right. heart side, other side. maybe i’m trying to get some distance. hard to win a stare-off with your failings. “if you get wet,” she says, “couldn’t you be electrocuted?” cherry blossoms gather in plastered pink on the sidewalks. everything smells like blossoms and rain. my valentine won’t stop throwing up. i’m trying not to fall over.

...



...

3 it looks like a giant manta ray. swimming through my small insides like they’re the open ocean. that manta ray has a big mouth. Breathe in, he said, listening, Again...Again... “the imagination,” says the novelist, “is like a muscle: the more you use it, the better it performs and the quicker you get ideas of higher caliber.” bright metal snaps where soft brown skin should be. maybe i’m stable where everyone else is electric. my heart is like a muscle. my heart is like a muscle. my heart is a muscle.
.

back there in that november crisp

of leaf-pile, back where on your tall wooden deck you outlined a life, drew a frame in the night filled with stars moving, i still hold the feeling of having come unmoored, of having arrived, suddenly, at the end of my tether. later, pretending to sleep, curled with you like an egg in a nest while you snored your music of autumnal dreaming, i talked myself down from my barren treetop. life left dissolving on the dry ground. i gave flesh to our fancy, my evergreen hair, leafy eyes, moon pupils, but you fell asleep alone wrapped around me, another woman tied to your finger with a dusty string. something vanished from my middle. i was an opposite egg, empty, a clean, slender branch, stretching from everywhere into winter. i let go a last leaf, felt it drop at my most naked. i carefully kept breathing. outside, the night sky was rearranging. cold stars divided, trickling down the sky, glint of a faraway fire on a dark window. the chickens were asleep in their quiet coop, each one tucked into herself like a secret wish.

.
.

i'm trying to burrow
inside of something. i would like to flip back and forth between worlds, and i do, and my plane goes down, or my raft pops a leak, or my starship hasn't been dreamed yet, and i'm wallflowering around like a bluebell grows through a crack in the corner of a roomful of windows, i've built myself a home here. at the edge of things. twigs and cattails and feathers. lengths of string i've gathered from so many different cliffs or ditches, crawling inside looking for something with which to tie my ends together. being a seasoned old sailor of dreams, i'm wavelength, starboard watch, i'm a maven in the art of knotting.

when did i become wallflower of the sea and everything in it?
wallflower |ˈwôlˌflou(-ə)r| noun 1 a southern European plant of the cabbage family, with fragrant yellow, orange-red, dark red, or brown flowers, cultivated for its early spring blooming. • Cheiranthus cheiri, family Brassicaceae. 2 [informal] a person who has no one to dance with or who feels shy, awkward, or excluded at a party. the truth is, i'm at the party because i wanted to be here. the truth is that nobody knows what's at the bottom. maybe there isn't a bottom. sea lilies and feather stars, sea urchins and starfish who don't have brains, or eyes, or hearts. the heart urchin comes sailing from the sand when disturbed, lands in the same water, and burrows back under the floor of the world. we are some of the most beautiful creatures on the planet, hiding. moveable spine, suction-footed. sand to rubble to coral to cold. the resulting locomotion is generally slow.

some of us can regenerate missing limbs, arms, spines. some of us (bat star, blue star, pincushion) can reproduce by breaking an arm or by deliberately splitting our bodies in half. each half becomes a whole new animal. well.

our upper surface is often very colorful, but our underside is mostly a lighter, a guessing, an aurora. don't see the sky except through water. if you're still wondering what's at the bottom- this is it, swarming with stars. basket star, beaded star, sugar star, brittle. cup-shaped feather-star with an ocean inside. you crawl, roll, walk, swim, cling, quick. loop your arms around something. slip-knot, anchor. cryptic, we hide in the crevice. situated in the middle. in especially strong currents, looped arms are liable to break. so who were you before, who are you now? this is all i wanted to say: look at how many one can become


.
.

damned, doomed, boneless.
i'm a fish out of water. i mean, i'm a goldfish in the bathtub. have you seen my family? dreaming fish-dreams of glittery shoals, swooping the sea like a net of jewels, you're a gem. this one said. your tail all a glimmer, angling an arrow, pointing half of you in different directions at the same time. but it's not like that. there are too many of us. moving. we bump up against each other and off our edges like moths trapped inside of a lampshade. wolfing at artificial light, when the moon is high in the sky, hidden by shadowing buildings, windows to everyone else's inside. i'm trying to stop seeing. i'm trying to howl in private. i'm trying a dream to leap canyons back, back to the rain where i came from. wearing the open sky for a hat, what with stars and clouds and wings and all.

:

my favorite documentaries are about animals or big-hearted farmers. this means that. one day, i'll be envoy extraordinary of my own living document. milkweed and bolted, dandelion stuck in the staples, between the nibbling teeth of the pages. here's the picture: slice of land nestled in a hillside. apples to everywhere. tin buckets bent, strapped, sweet on their trees, mutually enamored. one pig, one cow, one chicken. we'll farm apples and maple sugar. i'll name the pig Henry and give him all my sweet scraps of pepper-stem and rhubarb. apple core galore. he'll snort, blush, wild rose-petals pressed, stuck as a scented mosaic for his snout. for the others, the grass in this place is glistered with chlorophyll, quiet worms working, happy and blind, dirt-nibble, what comes from the ground there, clean and sweet, what's buried there is old. i come from that ground, i'm sure of it, twisted from its tree trunks and the winding roots of bittersweet. cumulous, bluejay, milky way, where. the rain is soft and holds the sky up.


what sort of name will you give your chicken? if you were a chicken, which would you choose?
Princess Pansy Lavender
Gooseberry Woods
Gertrude Stein. Venus De Milo. Queen Elizabeth?
Lulu!
|ˈloōˌloō| noun
1. an outstanding example of a particular type of person or thing, a person or thing remarkable or wonderful. 2. a Samoan barn owl.


is a chicken a person or a thing? if a chicken is a thing, a person is a thing. or if a chicken is not a thing, a chicken will have to be a person. we'll wear spectacles and read from the dictionary. we'll make pancakes on sundays, and eat them in our pajamas. we'll go out dancing and come home late and laughing. lightening bugs will speckle the base of the tree line, at the edge of the pasture, miming a million stars. the cow will be asleep standing up, giant orb-eyed like dreaming planets, long eyelashes like an antique fringe frames a wet window. i'll smooth his velveteen ears and tell him a secret, the rain will start barely, bounce off the barn roof like a snow of stardust, i'll name him Sweet William, after a wildflower.


.

the gap

.

as if we were walking down an autumn path, dead leaves curling their toes under the flat of our feet, legs that make a slow scissor along a scrappy turning, a falling-of-things, a green to rust to falling. "as if the boats in your eyes were preparing to winter," you'd say. i'd say in a whisper, peeking treetops for waking owls, "as if a lilypad through the floorboard, green surrenders to yellow and falls." i can't find the cloth i use to clean the surface.


shining my small blue light in the gap, a crack of finding, a treasure hidden in the linted limbo of sleeping furniture dragged in off the street some time back. bent paperclip, an earring, a miniature stack of paper, a sharpened pencil. further in, or down, or under, a bent intention, a scribble, a paper apology, a songbird sleeping. "how long has she been there?" you'd ask, your brow snagged with worry, your lips pulled together like a cinch-sack with a song inside.


i sigh, standing up from a crouch to linger in the doorway. "she's always been there." you look back at the darkened gully where again there's nothing, where all that's been lost becomes invisible, translucent against the backdrop of the dust and clutter that envelops the surface of our voices like snow. i can't find it. sealed in with sharp crystals of ice, delicate, each is shaped like its own friend, its own country, you shake your head, i stop looking. i lace up my eyes like skates, sail off toward some other edge, a sunk ship rinsed in blue.

.

open the dream to Eden, Conversation 5

.

memory, faulty mechanics.

i haven't decided whether i'm confused or unconcerned.
a character you've never met in a book you've never read
spooks me a note from you.
i think you're pretty.
i'm disarranged. i'm sure of it.
the long-sharp edge between us, collapsing in a ruffle.

i'm saying something out loud. do you hear me?

i don't know which dream-He you are. hiding-He or growling-He growling. i want to
know that in my ear. we could step into an image of what we have lost.

i chalk a map of the continent into the street between our houses.
pinks and browns and lavenders.
butter-pat yellow. seagreen.

your face is just an idea. or,
my face is just an idea. or,
our faces are golden, wet, wanting, displaced.
do you remember me?

don't let your lips lilt, or wilt, or wander my way. i miss you.

even a bold garden / is already wistful.
what?
nothing, i never
said that.

let me check my notebook. that last one. the eleventh letter at the hour with the feather hidden between those last two pages. the edges matted. stucktogether.

the note in the margin reads unreachable, left of the left margin. a moment suspended. as if it didn't apply, didn't invite to bite the apple.

let me check. i'm checking. i move each page i ever read as if a sail, as if a veil, as if in amber, as if.

haven't you? haven't you always.


you've always been a ghost.


.

spoonerism |ˈspoōnəˌrizəm|

noun
a verbal error in which a speaker accidentally transposes the initial sounds or letters of two or more words, as in "you have hissed the mystery lectures," accidentally spoken instead of the intended "you have missed the history lectures."

ORIGIN early 20th cent.: named after the Rev. W. A. Spooner (1844–1930), an English scholar who reputedly made such errors in speaking.


.

.

you peel an orange in one, long skin. reassemble it minus its belly. leave a pennybank slot in the top to drop a treasure.

an orange tabby, the color of a cantaloupe: fruit is one of the plates i'm spinning. plates are one of the places i spin from. i hate being dependent on food and water. i don't want to be dependent on anything. i leave my last saucer of milk on the back step, trying. my Declaration of Independence. later, when i'm hungry, i start nibbling my lower lip. way down in thought, i can't decide, my vertical dive, near the bottom where those toothy glow-fish live.

leave me be, i'm eating a submarine sandwich.
i'm designed to operate completely submerged in the see for long periods.
i'll sea you in the morning.

i can't think straight when i'm wet, or hungry, or chasing a glowing worm-lure around the ocean. i got a bowl of plankton for my brother for christmas, but i've decided to keep it: the lighting in my ship is all wrong. i'm trying to get it right. a little less incandescence, a little more lighthouse, starboard, bioluminescence. about ninety percent of the organisms who live in the ocean have the capability to produce light.

fireflies, the lights / flights of my life.

bioluminescence is the only source of light in the deep ocean where sunlight does not penetrate. the earth is swarming with animals.

i had to fill out this form, and sign my name. are you ready? not really. a little lightheaded. nekton verses plankton. one can swim on her own, independently of water currents, the other must drift in the directions of the tides, her Bigger Picture. the mutual enrapture of the moon and the sun. do i really have to choose? can i not be both.

sea what i mien.


.

just at the edge, where solid and liquid mix to make mud

i was probably eight years old, but does this have to be about me? i ate a frog-egg. and i mean i really ate it. i didn't just lick it or put it on my tongue and spit it out, i actually ate it. i was in a pond. i was covered in muck. it was so lord-of-the-flies or something. i didn't have a lilypad in my eye. the ground didn't crack open like a speckled brown egg with a yellow yolky duckling inside. instead, it was slimy and slippery and slipped down my throat and nothing happened. julie rolph was sitting next to me in the pond, lakeblue eyes big like globes, wet with reflected pondwater. swimming minnows. something. i think we were naked. i think we were tired of kissing captured (terrified, peeing) frogs and toads and were going for something more consequential. we were waiting for some magic to happen. to rise up from out of the muck and prove itself, like it does. does it?

there was a church on that island. bear island, it was called. in the summertime we paddled a canoe across the lake to the island. once we brought a whole garbage bag full of barbie and her friends and their endless pink and white artillery. it sat on the bottom of the canoe all the way to the island. sloshy. i don't think we ever even played with it. there was always a more interesting Very Important mission to take on. like that church, for example. there was something spooked about it, something always-autumn, something like a bucket to catch a leak that has a long way to fall. that hollow plunk or thump. julie rolph and i would take these Very Important pilgrimages to the church, which was on some other edge of the island, just to spook ourselves. the titillation of some old-fangled danger. shades of brown. stain-colored, iodine. abandoned birds' nests. colonial ghosts. witch-dust. in the winter when we couldn't canoe we cross-country skied across the lake. all winter long, back and forth. walking on water.

in my memory of that island, there's something very salem witch-trialy about it. something tutuba, scarlet letter, something rustling the autumn underbrush. some kind of trap we never got caught in, but that danger was so delicately infused into everything. sun through birches, sun sinking into water, long afternoon lakeshadows shaped like mysterious creatures, like intrigue, dangerous ideas. all of it you could walk right through, the light and dark moving, falling across your eyes in ancient patterns like water seems to. we were a maple-people. a lake-people. a canoe-people with some sunwarmed water splashing the bottom around our sneakers. it's how lorine says fish / fowl / flood / water lily mud / my life, that makes me love her.



what's a giant bird that starts with a vowel? it's not a riddle. the church was in the forest, and so was the frogpond because everything on the island was. it was a cut-out chunk of new england forest floating belly-side-up and all by itself in the middle of that giant lake. is there a shadow under an island? i was never really afraid of the dark, but i was afraid of the shadow of our little sailboat. treading water in my smudgy tangerine life-jacket, i'd imagine that the shadow was a whale and it was looming just under my feet, waiting for it's chance to gobble me. the lake-whale became an almost mythological creature, showing up every time i swam from the boat. i never told anybody. nobody knows about the lake-whale but you and me.

so but that bird- that bird lived in the forest with everything else, on the way to the church. it's nest was high up in this tree. was it birch? maple? something. a lot of birch out there. skinny white trunks you could bend like licorice. dug-up bone-colored. the nest was enormous. at the edge of my mind, it's as big as a treehouse. five stories high in its licorice branches. if the nest was that big, julie rolph reasoned, how big was the bird? it wasn't egret or osprey, definitely not ostrich- that bird could fly. i never saw it. i imagined its wingspan as big as a rooftop. a bird who could drape itself over a crumbling church. a bird who casts a shadow big as a boat. i recently discovered the largest flying bird who ever lived. its name was (is) Argentavis Magnificens, which means "magnificent argentine bird". six-million years ago, Magnificens wandered the andes mountains and the treeless plains of argentina with a wingspan of 19 to 26 feet, a height of 6.5 feet, and a weight of 140 to 180 pounds. feather-size for this bird is estimated to have been about 5 feet long. though it may have needed a downhill running-start into a headwind to get off the ground, it is said that Magnificens was an excellent glider, like a sail plane.

how much do you think a five-foot-long feather would weigh?




.

critical analysis

limp critic of my own measly projects, prospects, predisposed to running in place i watch the scenery change but not the shape of my feet. all this running is making my feet skinnier. muscle and bone cling to each other under my thin membrane of skin, the arches rising up and pushing against gravity like a woman arches under a silk sheet, a bent-over in a long robe, in a dream i took a staircase out that i didn't take in, running in place my mind wanders like a viny plant, an albatross: there's always more than one way out of a place

helpmeet-less days, nights are less meet-less, my dreams are infused with characters real and imagined. when i am wedded to the Sentence. when i am waiting to find out what i'm bad at. when i am fiddling with the dial on the radio, fine-tuning my reception to the land of the ground that surrounds me and my flimsy wishes. i stir the concoction in the latest pot. nothing sticks or melts, Simmer-Things that i do best. i do my best work when the moon is about to drop out of the sky. the blackened silhouette of trees, charred in shadow as if in dream where nothing leaves the ground. my premonition stands to be corrected. i am the judge and the jury and the girl on the bench, lying on the bible to worm around testifying myself. a testament to my insensibilities, secrets of predictability, i fidget my toes under the witness stand, dreaming my skin to run, to Find something, to Mean something, to staircase-out my dream-feet


.

the last six things

.

one
i tie a garbage bag around my finger to remind me what we have, to remind me what we had not, cuts off the circulation, bloodrise plum-colored, bejeweled, glimmering in sunrise see-all, sunset scavenger garbage trucks wink me in malfragrant collaboration as they zoom down the block toward the sea.


two turns me into a monster, little easy-does-it, little glitch of pretending second-guess our dream-people, our concocted bedtime cocktails, our slivers, incisions, the angle to the arch in our feet. feet are for touching together, for asking, for come with me, don't you want to go where i go. run. brake squeak, a baby terydactile. a street before time. a cloud-shaped dinosaur batting her long eyelashes at the crows who howl at the traffic from treetops and telephone wires. looking for lost things.


three banging pots and pans around in an elevator shaft, my digestion sounds like a chorus of machinery. sloppy gulp, i swallow a flower, oops. empty, ouch, we're going up when we were supposed to be going down. things are growing from every direction. i end up somewhere i never thought of, never even made up, and you know me, i make up everything. you miss that, don't you. are you or aren't you. what, dying? i forget your name when the adjective follows the noun. lost. looked-for. liar pretend. i'm growing your name like a forced bulb, my sweet saliva keeps you alive where you are, buried in my cheek, keep you like a miniature garden with my tongue. shhh. if i open my mouth, a bird flies out.


four i is for me is the girl is a character in a book is the way to be is to be like her is like taking nothing for granted is difficult but not impossible is the skylight in your cheekbone is a nutmeg brown is a nice color is integral to survival is tough in the city is made of rock is wedged in a the doorframe is the way to get in is the way to get out is to flee is flight is limited to a bug or a bird is.


five in the middle of me lives a hurricane, hurricane ali. it's nice to meet you. i'm looking for a lamp, i'm looking for an emergency candle, a knitted-blanket-and-beach-towel fort in the den. i'm looking for a bear in the pear tree. withstanding the wind, i cup my hand to my forehead and look out over the ocean. in the distance, a lighthouse with a dumb dragon inside. drenched. sneezing little smoke-bombs, allergic. in the other distance, a scrappy moon. pierces the purplish drape of sky. holds together our two sides of horizon. a frankenstein-stitch. a lilypad. an anchor.


six all arrows are pointed down. i hide myself for you in the hole of a tree, a broken curb, under a rock with wildflowers or weeds. purple, yellow, some are edible. some are both. "which is which?" you whisper. you can't tell the difference. only i can. from the ruins of my box of shipwreck tricks, i have one left. i play the cards like each is my last, and it is. i stroll like a porcelain pony, chinadoll in a white frock and bonnet. threaded with pocket roses, i bat my plastic eyelashes. i lie to your face every time.


.

when you call

when you call, i'll be knitting a hat for an elephant. droopy, gray. gigantic.

when you call, i'll be making lasagna in a quiet kitchen listening to my voice in my head. i'll be just beginning my fall pledge-drive, trying to raise the vibe, or the roof, or the stakes. someone sad will call in and pledge their thirst or their art or their love, and i'll accept.

when you call, i'll be in the bathtub filled with ice. i run so much my legs are like lamp-posts. because i can't keep my feet still. because someone is always around threatening a game of tag. because i want to be faster than everyone, just in case.

when you call, i'll be writing a jacob-poem. a poem like jacob would write. or i'll write a matthew-poem. a leaf-poem. a dave or vaughan or tully poem. the only one who writes poetry i think is actually jacob. it's nice poetry, too. about sweat and love and loneliness. all these women.

when you call, i'll be sleeping.

when you call, i'll be eating a peach in silence. i mean slices.

when you call, i'll be trying, lying, spying on the doctorman in green scrubs who lives in the building next to mine. his bonsai needs water. he sets it on a paper towel and gives it a bath. looks at me funny.

when you call, i'll be peeing in the tiny bathroom, investigating my fun-house facial reflection in the silver faucet. my eyes are so goddamned big sometimes. no wonder.

when you call, i'll be banging out something on the typewriter. it'll say "when you call, i'll be angry. when you call, i'll be trying to be so angry," and it won't work.

when you call, i'll be a pacifist.
when you call, i'll be a buddhist.
when you call, i'll be a waitress. thanks very much. hope you enjoyed yourself. come back soon.



.